The Cooper Crane Juxtaposition
by Larbo
Summary: Sheldon finally flips and is put into therapy with a certain Seattle psychiatrist. Has he finally met his fastidious match?
1. Pre Credits Sequence

**The Cooper-Crane Juxtaposition**

_We open on a typical psychiatrists office. SHELDON COOPER, dressed in an extremely bright orange T-shirt and jeans, sits (and squirms) on a comfortable couch as, across the room, DR. NILES CRANE settles himself into an ornate psychiatrists chair – taking great pains to wipe it clean first – and produces a notepad and pen. _

_He looks at Sheldon and smiles engagingly. Sheldon does not smile back. _

NILES: So. Let's get straight into this. What is this source of this sudden outburst of irrationality?

SHELDON: Irrationality? (_sighs_) oh dear. Look, I have a _clearly_ defined work space. I work on a mental plane that, well, frankly if you encountered it would be reminiscent of the classic _2001: A Space Odyssey_ scene where primitive man encounters the monolith. I need solace in which to work. Ergo, I have what I call a dodecahedron of silence around my office.

NILES: Right. Because a cone of silence would be silly.

SHELDON: Exactly.

NILES: And someone impinged upon this dodecahedron of silence?

SHELDON: "Impinged" is too gentle a word. What occurred was more of a violation. An assault. My fragile concentration was _shattered_ . I was compelled to take action.

NILES: (_consulting his notes_) It says here someone was playing "Angry Birds" outside your door.

SHELDON: That is correct. And for the record, that game is ridiculous on _several_ levels. While avian intelligence is generally reckoned to be at the higher end of the spectrum, they are _not_ capable of premeditated acts of revenge. Revenge is a human concept. And a Klingon one of course.

NILES: Klingon?

SHELDON: Revenge is a dish best served cold. Old Klingon proverb.

NILES: Actually the term "_la vengeance se mange très-bien froide_" first appeared in the 1846 French novel _Mathilde_.

SHELDON: Chronologically speaking, perhaps. But the inherent principles of revenge seem much more in keeping with the Klingon pscyhe than the French, don't you think?

NILES: What interests me, Sheldon, is that you accept without question the supremacy of a fictional Klingon attributation over a real-world fact, and yet you criticise the premise of Angry Birds on the basis that it is unrealistic...?

SHELDON: Hmm. I hadn't considered that. There does seem to be a contradiction there, doesn't there? You know for someone marooned at the shallow end of the PhD pool, that was remarkably insightful. Well done you.

NILES: I see. So if I am at the shallow end of the intelligence pool, Sheldon, where does that put you?

SHELDON: That's a fun question! Well, assuming the pool begins in this room and gets deeper at a consistent rate of say 1 foot per 5 feet, that would put me…

_He considers for a moment, then looks over his shoulder, calculating._

SHELDON:…in Hawaii. (_pauses_) Aloha.

NILES: Hawaii is two and a half thousand miles away.

SHELDON: (_waves_) I'm waving at you.

NILES: Not waving but drowning.

SHELDON: (_with the patience of someone speaking to a child_)No. Waving.

NILES: (_with a forced smile_) Give it time.

_Sheldon slowly puts down his hand._

NILES: By your scale, that makes the water at your end 500 miles deep. How deep is the water at my end?

SHELDON: You wouldn't need shorts.

NILES: Moving on, if I may, do you know how you ended up in my office...and even as I see your mouth open with what will _doubtlessly_ be an amusing take-me-literally retort about your mode of transportation for getting here, I gently add that I am asking for your interpretation of the sequence of events that began that fateful afternoon and ended up with the Dean insisting you come here for therapy as a precondition to being reinstated on campus. And may I remind you, that my diagnosis of your progress is _pivotal_ to that decision.

_Beat_.

SHELDON: Can I speak now?

NILES: I suspect not only can you speak now, you could quite possibly continue speaking until all that's left of me is a white-bleached skeleton wearing an immaculate Armani suit and stylish-yet-playful Italian tassled loafers.

SHELDON: Kudos on the tassles by the way. Not many can pull off the tassled look, much less have the courage to try to pull it off, no matter _how_ unfortunate the outcome may look.

NILES: I'm sorry, I'm trying to hear you, but the volume of your "I shot the guy who shot Captain America" T-shirt makes it difficult.

SHELDON: Is it usual practice to insult your clients, Dr. Crane?

NILES: No. But neither in my experience is it usual practice to be pulled almost one thousand miles south from my very comfortable Seattle home, away from my darling wife and beautiful son, to provide therapy to a man who for reasons unknown to me at the time had been blacklisted by every local shrink. Thankfully, I have crossed "solve that particular mystery" off of my To-Do List.

SHELDON: The Dean said you two went to Yale together. In fact his exact words to me when he said he was going to pull in an old favour and have you come down were "_you and he might find you have a lot in common_". Quite frankly I find that hard to believe.

_An assistant comes into the office._

ASSISTANT: Coffee, anyone?

SHELDON: No thank you. Diet Coke for me.

NILES: Coffee for me, please, Susan.

ASSISTANT: How do you take it, Dr. Crane?

NILES: (_considering this deeply_)Jamiacan blend. Frothy, but not too frothy - stirred counterclockwise at a consistent rate, otherwise the delicate balance of flavours is annihilated. Two _entirely_ flat tea-spoons of sugar - no domestic brands. A faint whisper of cinnamon resting subtly upon the froth like dew on the dawn grass.

_Slightly stunned by this list, the Assistant leaves the office._

NILES: I'm sorry, Sheldon. Where were we? You were saying you found something hard to-

SHELDON: Never mind. Let's just proceed, shall we...?


	2. Ground Zero, Pasadena

**BIG BANG THEORY OPENING TITLES ROLL**

**Scene 1. NILES OFFICE.**

_Niles is speaking. As he speaks, he finds some small imperfection on his suit and fastidiously picks at it, finally flicking it away._

NILES: To sum: you present a civilised face to the world, but you feel increasingly like a ball of pure rage, ready to erupt spectacularly at any given moment.

_We pull out to reveal he's not talking to Sheldon anymore._

PENNY: Yep. That about covers it.

_She's lying on the couch, one arm draped over her head, covering her face. _

NILES: How long have you felt this way?

PENNY: Not always. I mean, my life's never been sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...but before I came here, I never really thought about it much, you know? I just kind of assumed that one day everything would work out and that until then I'd work and earn some money and have some fun.

NILES: And then...

PENNY: And then-

_The door knocks. _

SHELDON: (_knock knock knock_) Penny and Dr. Crane? (_knock knock knock_) Penny and Dr Crane? (_knock knock knock_) Penny and Dr. Crane?

PENNY: Ladies and gentlemen, exhibit A.

NILES: One moment, please.

_He goes to the door and opens it._

NILES: Yes, Sheldon?

SHELDON: You requested to speak with Penny for, and I quote, "a few minutes, to get a feel for the wider dynamic". It's been two hours. Sci Fi Channel's Doctor Who marathon begins in T minus forty seven minutes. Average driving time between your office and my apartment is thirty four minutes, including an uplift for optimism bias. That leaves just thirteen minutes for (_ticking off on fingers_) staircase ascension, snack preparation, pre-programme discussion-

NILES: Then by all means, feel free to go. We can resume tomorrow.

SHELDON: And precisely how do you propose I get home? Am I to hope that some conveniently-placed wormhole opens between here and my apartment? Penny is my means of transportation.

NILES: Get a cab.

SHELDON: (after a shocked silence) A _cab_...?

PENNY: (_from out of sight_) Bazinga.

NILES: (_sighs_) Okay. This is unorthodox I admit, but how about this. I will accompany you and Penny back to your apartment building and, if you agree, I will observe both your individual and group behaviours tonight in an effort to get to the bottom of the problems you seem to be experiencing.

PENNY: You'd do that? For us?

NILES: Absolutely. The health of my patients is of paramount importance to me. I will spare no effort, make no compromise, accept no setbacks until I have achieved my goal of healing these tensions, soothing these choppy waters, and setting you all on the path to good mental health.

_Penny looks from the serene and confident Niles to Sheldon, then back to Niles, then Sheldon again._

SHELDON: T minus forty six minutes.

PENNY: I'll make up the guest room for you, sweetie.

NILES: (_as they exit the office_) Oh I'm sure that won't be necessary...

SHELDON: Did the Dean introduce you to Leonard and Raj?

NILES: There are others?

PENNY: Just to warn ya. Mattress. Little lumpy.

**Scene 2. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT.**

_Raj and Howard are pacing nervously. Leonard is sitting watching television. As the others pace in front of him, he throws up his hands in exasperation. _

LEONARD: Would you two stop pacing! You're like a couple of maternity ward fathers, it's driving me crazy!

HOWARD: Yeah, except when the nurse comes out, she's gonna say "congratulations Mr Wolowitz...it's a shrink".

RAJ: Yeah dude, why does he have to come here? Sheldon's the loony.

LEONARD: You're the one who started all this!

HOWARD: (_to Raj_) You! _You_ broke the dodecahedron?

RAJ: Do you know how long it took me to get to that level on Angry Birds, dude? I was at that for _weeks_. It made my PhD look like a "Cavity Hero" sticker you get from the dentist.

LEONARD: At a guess, I'd say you were at it about half as long as it's going to take you to glue the pieces of your iPhone back together.

RAJ: Sheldon's totally paying for that, by the way.

LEONARD: If you don't want to be here, don't be here. Go watch the Doctor Who marathon at your own places. You remember? My place. Your place. Two distinct concepts. Like Marvel and DC. Sure, when they crossover, it's fun, but if they were to do it (_speaking with feeling_) ALL THE TIME, it wouldn't seem special...

RAJ: I can't. I...don't have cable at the moment. (_off their looks_) what? A guy's not allowed to try and make savings in this financially frugal world economic climate?

HOWARD: Raj, last month you spent seven hundred dollars on a pair of Wonder Woman gold bracelets as worn by Lynda Carter. Forgive me if I don't sign up for your better budgeting blog.

RAJ: Oh, okay, okay! You want to know? My cable company outsourced its callcentre to India.

LEONARD: (_with fake shock_) No. What next? They'll start making quality electronic goods in Japan.

RAJ: So last week I get a call and I'm right in the middle of a shower from some _jerk_ asking me do I want to upgrade my cable package. So I...sort of...called him a name...anyway, long story short, I'm a self-hating racist with no cable. What's _your_ excuse?

HOWARD: Tonight Mother's having her friends over. They're calling it a girls night-

LEONARD: Whoa, whoa. You had us at "Mother".

HOWARD: Two of them are single. One of them looks at me like I'm a goldfish swimming desperate circles in a tiny bowl and she's a cat that's just learned how to bait a hook with a worm...

RAJ: Can't you just tell her you're not her type?

HOWARD: I...can't say no to women over a certain BMI. That's why my Mom is the owner of the most-massaged feet in the Western Hemisphere.

LEONARD: Whoa, _WHOA_! We get it! (_shakes his head_) And you two are nervous about a psychiatrist coming to stay. Go figure.

HOWARD: Stay? I thought he was just coming to visit?

LEONARD: Penny's offered him her spare room tonight.

_Raj and Howard exchange a glance at this. Leonard pretends not to notice at first, so Raj and Howard exchange another even more ostentatious glance. Leonard inhales. _

HOWARD: Uh huh. Very "generous" of her.

RAJ: Oh yeah. Maybe he wants to give her some intense therapy.

HOWARD: Or maybe he wants to see if sometimes a cigar IS just a cigar-

_Raj and Howard dissolve into childish giggling. The door to the apartment opens and, unseen to Leonard, in come Niles, Sheldon and Penny. Niles has his cellphone pressed to his ear. _

LEONARD: (_exploding out of his chair_) Alright that's it! I'm _tired_ of you two hanging out here every night and doing nothing but making snide remarks and me and Penny! For your information, I'm over her, and I don't care if she invited this shrink to have her spare room so they could both make wild passionate monkey-love all damn night, d'you hear me?

_Long pause. From the expressions on Raj and Howard's face, Leonard comes to realise they're no longer alone. He turns to take in the new arrivals._

NILES: (_into phone_) ...I'll call you back, Daphne. (_closes phone_) Amazing, modern phones. I could swear I actually heard her teeth grinding.


	3. War Of The Worlds

**Scene 3. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT.**

NILES: Now, I know Sheldon is my only official "patient", so to speak, but I want you all to feel like you can talk to me. I'm comfortable with working in group therapy - in my practice in Seattle I used group quite a lot.

PENNY: And it worked?

NILES: Yes. People open up in a group. Except the solipsists, of course. Poor things just can't quite bring themselves to believe in that many other people existing at once.

PENNY: Solip...?

LEONARD: (_stepping smoothly in between Penny and Niles_) Solipsism. It's a fun little mental illness where you believe you're the only real thing in a world full of illusion. People call it the "Truman Show" condition.

HOWARD: (_snorts_) Yeah right. Like there's some unseen audience watching us right now.

SHELDON: Agreed. Patently absurd.

NILES: That's interesting, Sheldon. You don't think there's anything noteworthy about your life that would interest a watching audience?

SHELDON: Oh quite the contrary, my life is fascinating. I'm often envious of the quantum tunnelling viewers of the future able to view any moment in the past.

NILES: I'm sorry. You think people from the future are watching your every move?

SHELDON: No. Right now the Doctor Who marathon is starting. They'd have to be insane to be watching me while that particular smorgasbord for the imagination is on offer. Which reminds me. T minus 6 minutes. Unfortunately given the limited time available we shall have to forgo the bulk of the pre-show discussion I had prepared.

HOWARD: (_shaking his fist heavenward_) Curse you, unmerciful Lord!

SHELDON: (_to Niles_) That was sarcasm.

NILES: Thank you, Sheldon. My studies at Yale and Cambridge were entirely insufficient to identify that. Can I count on you to point out any subsequent instances of sarcasm from this point on, since my PhD in psychiatry falls woefully short?

_There is a pause as Sheldon considers this._

SHELDON: ...that was sarcasm too.

NILES: Oh thank you. Please, do keep it coming.

_Another pause._

SHELDON: ...and that.

HOWARD: Dear God. He's trapped in a time loop. Quickly, someone snap him out of it!

LEONARD: Colin Baker was the best Doctor!

_Raj and Howard huddle together on the sofa, horrified. Leonard, realising what he's said, edges slowly behind Niles, who looks bemused to be used as a human shield. Sheldon is breathing very deeply, his face preturnaturally calm, his eyes fixed on Leonard._

PENNY: (_rolling her eyes as she walks to her usual chair and flops down_) Where's a tumbleweed rolling by when you need one?

SHELDON: Leonard-

NILES: I think what Leonard meant to say was..."bazinga"...?

SHELDON: (_instantly calm_) Ah! (_he does his "nh-nh" version of a laugh_) Good one Leonard. Like saying Engineering is the best of the sciences (_we see Howard glower at him_) shall we?

PENNY: (_hugely impressed_) Great save, Doc.

HOWARD: I'll say...! Last time I saw something defused as skilfully as that it was Richard Dean Anderson hotwiring a rogue nuke with a comb and a Q-tip.

NILES: Please. Call me Niles. Do you mind if I join you?

_Sheldon has gone to the kitchen area for a moment. Leonard, still bristling from Penny's admiration for Niles, sees a perfect opportunity to strike. He beckons to Niles to sit down...in Sheldon's spot._

LEONARD: Not at all...Niles. Sit down, won't you?

NILES: (_sits_) Thank you.

_He looks to his right. Raj and Howard are once again clinging together in terror. He takes this in. _

NILES: (_big, unthreatening smile_) Like I said before. Feel free to come to me.

SHELDON: I commend you on your excellent choice of seat, Dr. Crane. As I began to suspect in your office, with you I sense a form of kinship. I like you. I look forward to venturing into what will no doubt be the fascinating inner recesses of my mind. The paper you'll write as a result will benefit not just you personally in terms of your career, but also mankind as a whole.

NILES: Thank you.

SHELDON: Now get up. You're in my spot.

**Scene 4. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT.**

_The kitchen area. From the sofa we hear the Doctor Who theme music. Leonard is idly washing dishes. Sheldon enters and begins browsing through cupboards. Leonard looks up, surprised to see him._

SHELDON: (_making a disgusted face_) Love & Monsters.

LEONARD: Ah.

SHELDON: Have the principles of emulsification changed without my knowledge somehow?

LEONARD: What? What are you talking about?

SHELDON: I ask because that's the fourth time tonight I've witnessed you wash that plate. Has some cosmic constant been modified and made dishes harder to clean?

LEONARD: Yeah, _that's_ the reason I'm out here so much tonight. Cosmic soap constants have changed. It's the worst supervillain plan ever. Nothing to do with Penny and that shrink cosying up to one another in there.

_Sheldon peers back in. From this angle, it looks like Penny has her head on Niles shoulder. What's actually happened is that (out of sight of Leonard) Penny has fallen asleep watching Doctor Who and slumped to the side. _

SHELDON: Oh. (_calls_) Doctor Crane, more sarcasm!

NILES: (_starting to lose his temper_) Sheldon, as I've told you several times now, I was being sarcastic about asking to be kept informed!

_Sheldon turns to Leonard, puzzled. He begins to open his mouth._

LEONARD: (_sighs_) No, he's not being sarcastic now either.

SHELDON: Is all human interaction this fraught?

LEONARD: (_sighs again_) ...y'know, actually...yes. Yes it is.

SHELDON: You're afraid Penny and Dr. Crane will engage in coitus once back in Penny's apartment? Is that it?

LEONARD: No! Well...I dunno. No, I guess. He's married. And he seems like a nice enough guy. I just...psychiatrists give me the creeps.

SHELDON: Your mother is a psychiatrist.

LEONARD: Sheldon, calling my Mom a psychiatrist is like calling your Mom an agnostic.

NILES: (_entering the kitchen area_) Your mother is a psychiatrist, Leonard? Perhaps I know her work.

LEONARD: Dr. Beverly Hofstadter?

_Niles' face freezes in place like a mask. He steadies himself against a nearby countertop._

SHELDON: Well? Do you know her?

LEONARD: Either that or he's having a stroke. Don't worry, Doc. I recognise that reaction. It's kinda how my friends looked when I invited them over to my house to play Lego.

SHELDON: I wasn't aware you had Lego building skills, Leonard.

LEONARD: Believe me. I don't.

SHELDON: Oh. Back to persuading Wolowitz to construct me that Super Star Destroyer then.

NILES: I met your mother several times on the convention circuit, Leonard. She and my brother Frasier had...a little bit of a disagreement several years ago.

HOWARD: (_entering the kitchen_) Frasier? No way! You're _Frasier Crane's_ brother?

NILES: (_not entirely thrilled_) Oh? You know Frasier?

HOWARD: Are you kidding? Couple of years back I was marooned in Chicago for that damn month-long seminar and his talk-radio show was what got me through those lonely nights. Well, _most_ of the time, if you know what I'm sayin...!

SHELDON: No.

HOWARD: Alright, _all_ the time. Happy?

SHELDON: Until the advent of the technological singularity I'd describe myself more as content than happy, but thank you for asking.

HOWARD: You know he's the top-rated show in the Chicago area?

NILES: Yes. I believe he may have mentioned it. And if I missed it, the sky-writer he hired to proclaim it over the skies of Seattle certainly rammed that particular point home.

HOWARD: I called in once. I'll never forget hearing his voice on the other end of the phone...(_he puts on a 'Frasier' voice_) "I'm listening…" (_he sighs happily_)

NILES: I see. And what sage advice did my megastar big brother offer you? What life-changing revelations did he provide?

HOWARD: Uh...well...actually when I called in I wasn't expecting to get on the air, and I'd kind of forgotten I still had pay-per-view cable on in the hotel room...(_sucks in a long breath_)...so what he mostly said was "FOR GODS SAKE MAN, TURN OFF THE PORN!".

NILES: Even when he's fearing for his broadcast licence, my brother brings the healing.

LEONARD: What did he and my Mom fight over?

NILES: Oh, he hosted a seminar entitled "healing through Children" in which he claimed that patients with children could be made to overcome their problems by seeing that, having procreated, they had given the world a truly precious and unique gift. And Dr. Hofstadter, your mother...(_his eyes widen as he realises what he's about to say_) well, she...

LEONARD: Yeah...?

NILES: ...uh...she...agreed with him completely.

LEONARD: Sure she did.

SHELDON: You know, I'm somewhat confused. If they agreed on the matter, how did a disagreement ensue?

NILES: She...thought he had left several hanging clauses in his opening speech.

SHELDON: Quite right. By the sounds of it, your brother may be a shallow, fame-seeking, psuedoscientific oversentimental buffoon, but there's no reason he can't be grammatical.

LEONARD: Can I help you all with something? Or is Love & Monsters such a bad episode we've all decided to play hide and seek in the kitchen? Isn't _anyone_ watching?

_They look out. In Niles' absence, Penny is now sound asleep slumped against Raj's shoulder. He's sitting on the sofa and, as we watch, a huge happy grin begins to break out on his face._


	4. Ghost in the Sheldon

**Scene 5. COMPLETE BLACKNESS.**

NILES: (_soothing voice-over_) Sheldon, I am a Jungian. Are you familiar wit-

SHELDON: (_voice over_) I-

NILES: (_quickly_) Yes. Silly of me. I'll just go ahead and assume that you know all about him.

_The blackness fades. We're looking at the ceiling above the apartment's sofa and after a moment, we sit up slightly to take in Niles, who's looking at us with an impatient expression. As Sheldon's voice appears, we realise we're inside his mind and seeing through his eyes._

SHELDON: Is this going to take long?

NILES: That's entirely impossible to predict, Sheldon. Dream analysis takes as long as it takes. Are you in a rush for something? I thought the Doctor Who marathon had finished. I'm not a religious man, Sheldon, but I _prayed _the Doctor Who marathon had finished.

SHELDON: It has. But I have a strict bedtime routine which commences in-

NILES: (_holding up a finger_) Follow this line of logic for me, Sheldon. Your strict bedtime routine, I imagine, is to ensure you achieve enough sleep to be productive the following day at work. Correct?

SHELDON: Of course.

NILES: Well, if you fail to convince me that the incident with your colleague's phone – and the subsequent, for want of a better phrase, _rampage_…was simply an isolated incident of work-related stress, and I don't tell the Dean you'll be a model member of the Faculty from now on, you'll have no need for a strict bedtime routine, because you'll have no job at the university to go to.

_We go back to looking at the ceiling and our world becoming blackness once more VERY quickly. _

NILES: Ready?

SHELDON: Yes. Let me just make a few adjustments to make myself comfortable.

_On our black screen, a digital countdown clock appears in the bottom-right corner and begins counting down from 45:00. Above it is written, TIME TO BOWEL MOVEMENT._

SHELDON: Let's get better.

NILES: Tell me about your dreams, Sheldon. I'm particularly interested in any dreams you have which recur.

SHELDON: Nice dreams? Or…the other kind?

NILES: You mean nightmares?

_The TIME TO BOWEL MOVEMENT clock accelerates from 44:46 to 22:10. _

SHELDON: Yes. Those.

NILES: You have a problem with the word "nightmares", Sheldon?

_The clock has now hit 9:59 and is flashing red. _

SHELDON: D-don't be absurd.

NILES: Well…no, let's stick to pleasant dreams for the moment. Do you have a particular recurrent dream that you enjoy?

_The clock climbs back to 40+ minutes once again. _

SHELDON: Ah. Well, that's easy…

**Scene 6. SHELDON'S DREAM.**

_The Earth, spinning majestically in the blackness of space. We pass across the day side and through the terminator into the night side, as the cities of the continents put on their spectacular light show. We hover above North America, lit up like an illuminated tapestry, a spiderweb of radiance._

_And those points of light rearrange themselves, slowly at first, and with increasing speed, until an ordered pattern emerges from the chaos. A pattern that spells a message._

_WELCOME TO SHELDONIA._

_We're in the cities now. They soar to the skies, great turrets and giant spires, all sweeping majesty and understated magnificence. The millions of inhabitants bustle about their daily business. There are no cars in sight. Those who wish to travel faster than walking pace utilise hoverboards. Everyone maintains a discreet distance from everyone else._

SHELDON: (_voice-over_) Glorious, isn't it, Dr. Crane?

NILES: Where are the children, may I ask?

SHELDON: Children are unnecessary. Coitus is obsolete, and with it all the tiresome trappings that follow in its wake. Bars. Romantic comedies. Asking people how they are. On Sheldonia, we are born adults. Thanks to gene therapies, everyone now has an IQ of 186. That's the other reason romantic comedies are obsolete.

NILES: Out of curiosity, what is your IQ, Sheldon?

SHELDON: 187, why?

NILES: No reason. And where are you in this perfect world?

_We find ourselves in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment…albeit with a few changes. Things seem much more futuristic. Chrome and silver are everywhere. Leonard is there, as are Raj and Howard. None seem particularly happy. This is perhaps because all three are wearing the exact same retrofuturistic clothing – a none-too-flattering ensemble that makes each of them look as though they have been hit with the shrapnel from a tinfoil grenade._

LEONARD: He'll be here. It's Halo night. He wouldn't miss Halo night.

RAJ: Five more minutes and I'm starting without him, dude.

HOWARD: (_speaking through gritted teeth, as if reading from a particularly repellent script_) Come on now, Raj…you know how difficult it must be…being President of the UN…being the inventor of…Sheldonomics…

RAJ: Not to mention being responsible for removing humanity's completely unnecessary sex drives! I can't believe how popular I am with women now I have no interest whatsoever in them! Ahhh, the irony of it…you know I'd probably not appreciate every nuance of that irony with my previous IQ, but thanks to Shelcorp's Gene therapies, my new IQ allows me to…

_He trails off, as Leonard is making slashing signs across his throat and inclining his head meaningfully in Howard's direction. Raj winces and pats Howard on the shoulder._

RAJ: Sorry dude. Forgot.

HOWARD: (_bitterly_)Oh it doesn't matter. Being the sole member of humanity the gene therapy didn't work on isn't as horrific as it seems. There's a lot to be said for being officially the world's dumbest person.

RAJ: Yeah. At least you're still the world's best engineer.

_Leonard has walked over to the kitchen area. He puts some Pop Tarts in the toaster._

LEONARD: Medium brown please, toaster.

TOASTER: (_in Sheldon's voice_) Are you sure that's wise, Leonard?

LEONARD: What would you recommend?

TOASTER: After networking with the Wil Wheaton, I'd recommend light brown.

KETTLE: (_also in Sheldon's voice_) I'm boiled! Commence coffee-making!

_Quite unperturbed, Leonard fixes himself some Pop Tarts and coffee and wanders back over to Raj and Howard. Raj is idly solving a Rubiks Cube in each hand as Howard struggles to open a bag of potato chips. Raj takes the bag off Howard with a kindly expression, performs a complicated series of manoeuvres, and the top of the bag opens like a flower's petals. Howard smiles, pathetically grateful._

HOWARD: Thanks. A guy gets hungry.

LEONARD: Say, you guys remember the days before Sheldon had uploaded his neural network to every single electronic appliance the world over?

RAJ: You mean before he achieved the technological singularity single-handed, almost instantly revolutionising what it means to be human, thereby improving all of our lives and really, _really _showing all those who ever doubted him?

LEONARD: Yes. Yes, before that.

HOWARD: Howard brain hurt.

RAJ: Seems like a lifetime ago, dude. Like when we used to call Wil Wheatons "toilets". How weird was _that?_

_The door to the apartment knocks. _

LEONARD: I wonder who that could be? I _do_ hope it's Penny. I so enjoy her company now there's absolutely no possibility of us having coitus.

RAJ: Yeah, just like when you first met.

_Leonard is barely out of his chair when the door to the apartment shatters and an ED-209 robot from "Robocop" walks in, bringing its mighty twin machine guns to bear on the three terrified friends. Howard scrambles across to the opposite end of the sofa trying to escape the huge looming form towering over him. _

HOWARD: Howard need to go Wil Wheaton!

ED-209: (_in Sheldon's voice_) Are we ready to play some Halo, gentlemen? Apologies for the inadequacies of this particular remote suit. The real me is halfway to Proxima Centauri on a mission of first contact with an alien race. Normally of course that would mean no Halo night, but I've managed to crib together a rudimentary FTL radio system from the onboard pinball machine.

LEONARD: Oh Sheldon. We're just privileged to know you.

ED-209: Of course you are. (_the twin machine guns swivel down to point directly at Howard_) Howard. You're in my spot. Please vacate. You have 20 seconds to comply.

_Howard moves like a bat out of hell, over to Raj. The guns track him all the way._

ED-209: You now have 10 seconds to comply.

HOWARD: (_panicking_)W-w-what? But…but I've-I've moved! L-l-look, I'm nowhere near your spot, Sheldon!

_Pause._

ED-209: Bazinga.

**Scene 7. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT. **

_Sheldon's eyes open. _

SHELDON: And that's my dream, Dr. Crane. I look forward to your analysis.

_He sits up and frowns. Niles is sitting, utterly and completely exhausted. Sweat is beading on his forehead. His chest is rising and falling with exertion. At some point during the preceding he must have removed his suit jacket and now sits in his shirt, tie and braces. Reams and reams of notepad paper sits around him, all covered in handwriting. _

SHELDON: Is there anything additional you wish to ask?

_For a moment we go back inside Sheldon's head. The little countdown clock is almost at zero._

NILES: (_weakly_) Do you…happen to have any sherry on the premises?

SHELDON: Oh my, no. I don't care for alcohol, sorry. Mamma didn't raise her no drunkards.

NILES: Then do you know where I might find some? Your room-mate, perhaps?

SHELDON: Well I'm no expert, but I have observed on multiple occasions Penny keeps what I can only describe as a spectacularly disproportionate level of alcohol in her apartment. It's directly across the hall.

_Niles grabs his coat and staggers to his feet. He grabs ineffectually at the notepad pages which scatter as he does so, and then gives up and allows them to fall around him. _

NILES: We'll reconvene tomorrow, Sheldon. Goodnight.

_He fairly jogs out of the apartment. No sooner has he gone than Leonard appears from the hall that leads to the bedrooms. He notes Sheldon is alone._

LEONARD: Where's Dr. Crane? He sure left in a hurry.

SHELDON: He needed something only Penny could provide. Goodnight Leonard.

LEONARD: (_concerned_) Uh. Yeah. Night. I'm gonna get a pop tart.

SHELDON: Medium brown?

LEONARD: Uh. Probably…why?

SHELDON: Someday, Leonard. Someday.

_He passes a puzzled Leonard and goes down the hall to the bedrooms. As he passes the bathroom, he stops to cast a glance at the toilet and mutter darkly._

SHELDON: Wheaton…

_Outside, in the connecting hall between apartments, Niles knocks on Penny's door. She opens it and he almost falls inside. _

PENNY: Oh my God! What happened to you?

NILES: I analysed Sheldon's dream.

PENNY: (_steering him to her couch_) Don't worry sweetie. I have alcohol.


	5. Penny, For Her Thoughts

**Scene 8. PENNY'S APARTMENT.**

_Niles, sitting on one end of Penny's couch, has just finished drinking from a glass. He sets the empty glass down beside him._

NILES: What was that called again?

PENNY: That was called your third whiskey.

NILES: It's foul. My tongue tastes as though there should be a chalk outline on it. (_pause_) Can I have another?

PENNY: Do you really think that's wise?

NILES: (_sighs_) You're right. It's just...over twenty years I've been in this profession, and I've never met anyone like him. I could diagnose him right now with at least fourteen separate disorders, and yet I get the feeling none of them really fit.

PENNY: (_nods_) He's Sheldon. Ever since I met him, he's occupied this little Sheldon-shaped space in the world.

NILES: (_giggles_) Little?

_They laugh. _

PENNY: So you've been to Sheldonia, huh?

NILES: Are you kidding? I got the guided tour. I'll tell you, if his career in theoretical physics does hit the skids, Sheldon could get a job doing Stephen King audiobooks. Talk about painting pictures with words...

PENNY: So where did I fit in? I was kinda hoping he'd cast me in the lead role in the one of the seventeen new _Star Trek_ spinoffs he has planned. Did he tell you about those?

NILES: If he had, I wouldn't be _asking_ for another drink.

PENNY: So?

NILES: I'm sorry, Penny. I can't break patient confidentiality.

PENNY: Oh. Didn't mention me, huh.

NILES: And that would bother you?

PENNY: No. (_sighs_) Oh, okay. You've met Sheldon. You've even been to Sheldonia.

NILES: Some parts of me will never _leave_ Sheldonia.

PENNY: And right now you're probably thinking he's a mess. And a big stupid arrogant has-to-get-his-own-way jerk. And he is all of those things.

NILES: But he inspires maternal feelings in you.

PENNY: We're talking about a grown man who needs to be sung to when he's sick. Who would loan you money in a heartbeat and wouldn't care if you never paid him back. He's _so_ smart...and yet he grows up in this really religious household. His Mom loves him to pieces, but he's baffled by her. He's not a bad guy...he's just...

NILES: ...Sheldon.

PENNY: Got it. But please, don't say things like "inspires maternal feelings". Only thing I'm gonna spawn is a bitchin' hangover.

NILES: You feel bad because sometimes you're not sure you matter to him. That if you moved away during the night and never came back, he wouldn't give it a moment's thought.

PENNY: Okay, I know you're a shrink, but that is just plain _spooky_. You psychic too?

NILES: No. My wife Daphne is.

PENNY: She and I would get on just great.

NILES: Yeah...even though to placate her I'm going to have to tell her you had a mole on your cheek the size of a disco ball.

_They laugh._

NILES: You know something, Penny? I wasn't that different from Sheldon once upon a time.

PENNY: What changed?

NILES: I did. Sheldon may too. Or...being honest with you...he may not. He may never change. I think I've come up with a diagnosis for him.

PENNY: What?

NILES: Everything. He has every single disorder possible, all going on simultaneously. And somehow, working against one another, they've managed to produce a person who despite his little nuances and tics and flaws and idiosyncrasies, is surrounded by friends who care for him. He must be doing something right. And somehow I don't think that if you moved away, it wouldn't affect him. I think you matter to him more than you know.

PENNY: (_dabbing at her eyes, speaking softly_) Thank you. Daphne's a lucky gal.

NILES: And Leonard is a fortunate man.

_Penny freezes. Niles simply raises an eyebrow. Penny groans and collapses into herself, before pouring another whiskey from the bottle and knocking it back._

PENNY: You're a wizard. You're a _bad_ wizard. You're that Harry Potter bad wizard guy.

NILES: No idea. Sorry.

PENNY: You know you're the first smart guy I've met who wasn't a geek. What's with that?

NILES: Please. Talk to me about operas or fine wines and we'd be here for a week. I'd make those four across the hall look like star quarterbacks. _Everyone_ is a geek about _something_, Penny. Leonard, I would guess, fits the classical definition: he adores science fiction, comic books. But that's not what intimidates you about him, is it?

PENNY: No. To tell you the truth - and I will KILL you if you repeat this - (_she whispers_) I'm starting to like _Star Trek_. (_pause_) Well, except _Voyager_. That just plain sucked.

NILES: Given time, he may come to feel the same way about shoes.

PENNY: You really think?

NILES: No. (_he holds up his hands in apology_) I'm sorry. But going back to my point. If you were shallow enough to care about perceptions and labels, you wouldn't be friends with Leonard, or Sheldon, or Howard, or Raj in the first place. He loves you.

PENNY: How do you know? How can you _possibly_ know that after spending _one night_ with us all?

NILES: Let me tell you something. When I first met Daphne, I considered myself to be in a happy marriage. And yet, the first time I saw her, I was captivated. I was entranced. And it wasn't because she was some kind of forbidden fruit. She was beautiful, yes - and still is - but it was _more_ than beauty. I saw a pure soul in her, someone who could love without fear, someone who would make me feel giddy just with a smile. I saw that exact same expression on Leonard's face tonight when he looked at you. What he has isn't infatuation, Penny. He doesn't adore you because he thinks you're out of his league. He doesn't love you because he thinks he'll look good or score points with his genius friends with the pretty girl on his arm. He just _loves_ you, plain and simple.

PENNY: He smells my hair sometimes when he thinks I can't see. And when he does it I always think-

NILES: How wonderfully romantic?

PENNY: "Ew, creepy!"

NILES: (_deflates_) Yes, well. Perhaps he's merely checking for scalp problems.

PENNY: (_sighs_) You're right. I guess you're not telling me anything I didn't already know.

NILES: Just be glad I'm not on the clock, in that case.

PENNY: Leonard is wonderful. That's the problem, don't you see? I'm not wonderful. He loves me completely and I feel like I love him too. But I feel lots of things. I feel dizzy when I have to add up people's orders at work. There are some drool issues when I go clothes shopping and I see a dress I gotta have. I'm an airhead. What if we get together again and I wind up breaking his heart? It'd be more than I could take.

NILES: So in the end, as it always does when we are faced with the opportunity for personal growth, it comes down to whether we have the courage to seize it.

PENNY: Yeah, well. Swing and a miss, Doc. Sorry. I'm going to bed.

NILES: Penny, wait. Before you go. Picture this. It's your wedding day. The one you've dreamed of since you were a little girl. Your husband-to-be is rich, successful, and he adores you.

PENNY: That's it. I'm getting a tinfoil hat.

NILES: With your wedding dress on, you turn away from the aisle and the comfortable life mapped out in front of you, and you run into a Winnebago. Inside, there sits a man, himself just married to the wrong girl. You tell him you love him, and that you don't care what people think. You kiss him and together you drive away into the unknown.

PENNY: Why are you telling me this?

NILES: Because it sounds romantic, and at the time it was, but afterward Daphne and I left a lot of devastated people in our wake. My wife. Her husband-to-be. Do you _really_ want to leave it that late before you come to your senses?

PENNY: Goodnight, Dr. Crane.

NILES: Goodnight, Penny.


	6. The Quiet Mantra

**Scene 9. COMPLETE BLACKNESS.**

NILES: (_voice-over_) Selective mutism is a fascinating condition, Mr. Koothrappali. The origin can come from any one of several areas, but at its root, the disorder is always based on one causal factor.

RAJ: (_voice-over_) (_hopefully_) Radiation?

NILES: I'm sorry?

RAJ: Well, I _do_ work in a science building. I've been close to a lot of experiments. Many involving radiation of some kind.

NILES: And how exactly would exposure to radiation cause you to be unable to talk when you're near women?

RAJ: It's like my Kryptonite. With great power, comes embarrassing social weakness.

NILES: So if being unable to talk to women is the Kryptonite weakness that came with your super powers, what exactly are your super powers?

_Silence_.

RAJ: Okay. We've ruled out radiation.

NILES: Perhaps in the literal sense. But on observing you, even in the short time I've had, I've come to realise that in your eyes, women - particularly those you deem attractive - emit a kind of radiation. Let's call it...sex-rays.

_"Our" eyes open. We find ourselves looking at Niles. We pull out so we can see Raj, staring at Niles in awe._

RAJ: Dude. Sex-rays? That. Is. _Awesome_.

_Niles holds up a hand, a slight tic on his face betraying his amusement. _

NILES: Okay. So let's talk about this in a language you're comfortable with. You're Rajesh Koothrappali, mild-mannered astrophysicist. But by night...you are...The Maharajah!

RAJ: YES! (_pause_) Wait. What are my powers, dude?

NILES: Ah, but there's the rub. The Maharajah has never had the chance to show the world his powers, because his weakness for sex-rays keeps him hidden. You might say he's Koothrappali'd up inside you.

_Niles chuckles at this joke. Raj remains stony-faced._

RAJ: Seriously. Flight, telekenesis, heat vision, what?

NILES: (_ignoring this_) I'm going to try a little bit of suggestion therapy with you. Ordinarily I'd hesitate, but I don't have much time and I think making progress with your mutism will assist in healing the group, which will in turn calm Sheldon, which will please the Dean, which will get me home _before_ my wife divorces me.

RAJ: What's my costume? I mean, a Hindu superhero? Not exactly going to blend into the shadows, am I? I'll be visible from space.

NILES: (_sighs, rubbing his eyes_) Mr. Koothrappali-

RAJ: And I don't want to only get called for when all the Western heroes are off doing something better and they think they can call the Maharajah in and he'll do it for cheaper.

NILES: Can we get back to-

RAJ: (_bitterly_) I can just imagine turning up to save the day somewhere. "Oh, where's Batman?" "Batman's _busy_, Commissioner." "Oh well I usually talk to Batman, he understands Gotham's needs."

_We quickly cut to the living area of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. Raj is quiet as a lamb. _

NILES: Thank you for coming over, Penny.

PENNY: No problem.

NILES: With Penny's help, we're going to try to turn off those sex-rays.

_Penny looks across at Niles, raising her eyebrow. She looks over at Raj, who, wide-eyed, can't meet her gaze. Niles, seeing her look, starts to try to explain._

NILES: We-

PENNY: Don't wanna know. Just do it.

_We go inside Raj's mind. In the same corner that Sheldon had his "countdown to bowl movement" clock, Raj has an old-fashioned circular needle-dial with a green, yellow and red zone above which is written "sex-ray counter". At the moment the needle is hovering between the border of yellow and red. _

_Niles comes into view. His face is huge. He stares deeply at us._

NILES: I'm going to put you into a trance-like state, Raj. I'm anticipating this may be difficult. Given your exceptional intelligence, you may be extremely resistant to suggestion.

RAJ: Yes. I may be extremely resistant to suggestion.

_Niles frowns, then shakes his head._

NILES: I want you to picture me as a figure of complete and total authority, whose word you will accept, without question, as law. Can you do that for me?

RAJ: Yes.

_We come out from inside Raj's mind and go to Penny instead, who is watching proceedings with a faintly sceptical air._

PENNY: Is this really going to work?

_We stay close on Penny's face, and then we hear a noise. It sounds like this: "oohhhhhhh-pennnnn". A few seconds later, we hear it again. Curiously, neither Penny nor Niles seems to comment on it._

_We go back inside Raj's head. Right in front of him, where there used to be Niles Crane, now sits the helmeted visage of the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. The "ohhhhhh-pennnnn" noise is, of course, his regular mechanised breathing. When he speaks, it is with James Earl Jones' classic deep intonation. _

VADER: Well, Mr. Koothrappali?

_Raj, wide-eyed with terror, can only nod in assent. From our point of view, Darth Vader looks over at Penny. Penny shrugs, impressed. As we watch, Darth adjusts his seating on the chair and, finding a piece of fluff on his cape, fastidiously brushes it away, all the while continuing to breathe with that incredibly menacing "ohhhh-pennnn" rhythm._

VADER: Listen to me. You will no longer be reduced to a pathetic, snivelling little worm by the mere presence of women. Their sex-rays have no effect on you, do you understand?

RAJ: But my Lord...when I see a girl, I can't help think to myself, what does she look like naked? What are her boobies like? I have to stop myself from-

VADER: Stretching out with your feelings?

RAJ: But wanting to see boobies leads to dating. Dating leads to kissing. Kissing leads to boobies. Boobies leads to relationship. Relationship leads to marriage. Marriage leads to...(_he pauses dramatically, then hisses_)..._suffering_.

_We cut away. Leonard, Sheldon and Howard are ascending the stairs to the apartment._

SHELDON: I don't see it as taking things too far at all. I'm just mentioning it as a contingency option should Dr. Crane fail to convince the Dean to get me my position back.

LEONARD: And you _really_ don't think a hunger strike is maybe just stepping over the raggedy edge of sanity?

SHELDON: Absolutely not. History has demonstrated on many occasions that shock tactics like that can galvanise popular support and force tyrannical dictators to rethink.

LEONARD: Yes, but the traditional method Sheldon is for the wronged party to hunger strike. Not for them to ask their friends to do it for them.

SHELDON: Surely you don't expect me to risk malnourishment?

HOWARD: Personally I'd be taking issue over this _popular support_ you mention.

SHELDON: Meaning?

HOWARD: Meaning...since you were banned from the campus we've started to see people around the place we haven't seen in years. The term "golden age" has been mentioned.

SHELDON: As so often, the true visionaries go unappreciated by the body politic. Galileo. Van Gogh. Only after their death do the hoi poloi realise what they've lost. That won't happen to me, I assure you of that.

LEONARD: You're going to try to stop alienating people?

SHELDON: I'm going to live forever. Leonard, perhaps as preparation for what might lie ahead, you should have an extra portion of noodles for lunch. Wolowitz, you can donate.

HOWARD: Aw, no. Does that mean I'm not gonna be on the "Free the Sheldon One" hunger strike?

SHELDON: Yes. On reflection, upon observing your interactions with females, your face doesn't seem to inspire pity.

_They've reached their destination floor. _

HOWARD: Oh God, I hope Niles can deliver the goods.

LEONARD: (_as he unlocks the apartment door_) I wouldn't count on it.

_The three friends walk in. Penny is sitting with Raj on the couch. They're deep in conversation. Raj must have said something amusing, because Penny laughs and punches him on the shoulder playfully._

HOWARD: Oh God. It's 12:30 in the afternoon and Raj is drunk.

LEONARD: You can drive him home this time.

PENNY: Hey, guys! Got lunch?

RAJ: Yeah, I'm starved! All this jawing sure works up an appetite, eh Penn?

SHELDON: Curious. I don't see any evidence of alcohol.

LEONARD: No beer bottles. Hey Raj...apropos of nothing, how would you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10?

RAJ: (_shrugs_) I'm just a regular dude, dude.

NILES: (_emerging from the bathroom hallway_) Ah! I see you've met the new Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali. Fully sober, and fully functional.

PENNY: It's true. He hasn't touched a drop. I know because he hasn't tried to touch...(_she indicates herself_)

RAJ: I'm sorry for how I behaved, Penny. I idealised you, and by doing so, I demeaned you at the same time. From here on in, I hope we can open a new chapter in our friendship. What do you say?

PENNY: Aw, honey. C'mere.

_She hugs him. Niles looks on, beaming proudly. The boys look on in disbelief. Eventually the hug breaks._

LEONARD: Give me a hand splitting the takeout, Penny?

PENNY: Sure thing, hun.

_She and Leonard retreat to the kitchen area. She catches Niles' eye as she goes. He nods, almost imperceptibly. Sheldon sits in his time-honoured "spot". Raj sits beside him. Howard looks down at Raj, still not quite believing what he just saw._

HOWARD: Okay, Raj. Spill. Was that just some elaborate plan to cop a feel, or what?

_Raj doesn't answer. His eyes widen. He can't meet Howard's gaze. Howard frowns. He sits down beside Raj. Raj moves up away from Howard, eyes still wide, closer to Sheldon. Sheldon notices the incursion._

SHELDON: You're encroaching my spot. Move.

HOWARD: Raj? Did you hear me?

_Raj, eyes still wide, turns his head as if to try to whisper in Sheldon's ear. Sheldon reacts with extreme disgust, jumping out of his spot._

SHELDON: Koothrappali! My position on the health risks inherent in _sotto voce_ mouth-to-ear communication has been _well_ documented! You may as well hand me a cellphone made of your own faeces!

LEONARD: What the hell's going on?

HOWARD: It's Raj. He...oh my God...

_Now it's Howard's turn to jump off the couch, leaving just Raj sitting alone in the middle._

PENNY: Raj? What is it?

RAJ: Nothing...

NILES: (realising the awful truth) Ah.

SHELDON: (_as he vigorously cleans his ear with a Q-tip_) Fascinating.

LEONARD: You mean…(_he struggles not to laugh_)…that Howard…is the new Penny?

NILES: It appears my efforts to disassociate women from Raj's feelings of inadequacy were...a little too successful. Not to worry. Not to worry. I can fix it.

HOWARD: Please. Fix it.

NILES: Penny, can I borrow your apartment for an hour?

PENNY: (_throwing him the keys_) Sure.

_He takes Raj by the hand. Raj follows sheepishly. Before they exit the apartment, however, Raj is pulled back and finds to his surprise that it's Penny._

PENNY: I have a feeling this might be the last time I talk to you sober for who knows how long. So I just wanted to say...it was nice, Raj. You're a complicated little guy, but you're worth it.

RAJ: Thank you.

_She kisses him on the cheek and he and Niles exit the apartment. As she turns to go back to the takeout, Howard approaches Leonard and hands him his share of the order._

LEONARD: Lost your appetite, huh?

HOWARD: What do _you_ think?


	7. The Cooper Crane Expansion

**Scene 10. LEONARD & SHELDON'S APARTMENT.**

_Leonard & Penny are washing the dishes after the meal. Sheldon and Howard are wearing communication headsets while playing some unidentified video game. The doorbell rings._

SHELDON: Leonard! Doorbell!

_Leonard hefts a sudsy plate up for Sheldon to see._

LEONARD: Kinda busy here, Sheldon.

SHELDON: But we're playing Bloodbowl online! I can't pause the game without losing! There's an _extremely_ sarcastic, _thoroughly_ irritating thirteen-year-old boy from London and he keeps referring to me as Smelldon! (_pause_) Yes, I know you can hear me. (_pause_) Well now, that's what they call "escalation", isn't it? What time is it there anyway? Shouldn't you be sleeping? (_pause_) How _dare_ you say that about my Elves! You just wait! Your miserable orcs don't stand a chance against my offensive line!

_During all this the doorbell has now rung several times. Leonard and Penny share a look._

LEONARD: Howard, can't you answer the damn door?

HOWARD: No way. We've almost got him, Leonard.

LEONARD: It's a thirteen-year-old kid!

HOWARD: Yep. And I'm on his team. You're going down, Smelldon.

SHELDON: _YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!_

_The doorbell rings again. _

LEONARD: Sheldon! Room-mate agreement - page 62, paragraph 4, sub-clause 2.

SHELDON: Confound him!

_He throws off the headset and puts down the controller. Howard holds aloft his arms in victory. _

HOWARD: Congratulations, buddy! We got him! (_pause_) Uh...no. (_pause_) Uh...well, I'm sure it _can_ be very lonely and confusing. (_pause_) Uh...the only one at your whole school, huh? (_pause_) No, not a huge "_Glee_" fan. (_quickly_) I'm gonna go now, bye.

SHELDON: Don't consider this a true victory, Wolowitz. I'm bound by the terms of the room-mate agreement (_as the doorbell rings again_) all right, all right! Good Lord, some people don't know the meaning of the word patience, do they?

_He opens the door. There stands DAPHNE CRANE. She has a young boy with her, of about seven or eight. _

DAPHNE: Hello. I'm looking for Niles Crane? I believe he's treating someone in this apartment?

SHELDON: That would be me. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

DAPHNE: So _you're_ the one keeping my husband a thousand miles from home during his son's birthday weekend? _You're_ the one that's caused me to have to cancel all the family plans we made to fly down here, just because your Dean has some sort of hold over my husband and won't let him go back to Seattle until you get a bloody grip on yourself?

SHELDON: I thought we had already established that?

_Leonard appears beside Sheldon at the door. He smiles at Daphne and the child beside her and offers his hand, which Daphne, after a second's hesitation, shakes._

LEONARD: Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Mrs Crane. Please, come in.

_Daphne and the boy enter the apartment. Daphne is clearly feeling somewhat abashed after her previous outburst._

DAPHNE: (_to Sheldon_) Dr. Cooper, I…I'm sorry about just now.

SHELDON: Sorry for what?

DAPHNE: (_quietly, to Leonard_) Has he memory problems?

LEONARD: No. His memory is flawless. It's the rest of him you have to worry about. So who might you be?

_Daphne makes as if to speak, but the child gets there first._

DAVID: Who "_might_" I be? That seems rather unspecific way of talking. The possibility exists, however remote, that I "_might_" be Louis the sixteenth of France.

DAPHNE: David! Manners!

SHELDON: David Manners, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I apologise for the wooliness of thinking of my room-mate Dr. Hofstadter. At this rate we'll be able to shear him come the summer and make comfortable sweaters. You'll excuse me if I don't shake your hand?

DAVID: Not at all, Dr. Cooper. A wise precaution. Over ninety percent of communicable diseases are passed through avoidable physical contact. However, my surname is not Manners, it's Crane.

SHELDON: Ah. My apologies for the error.

DAVID: Not at all. The error was spawned from your entirely justified misunderstanding of my mother's rebuke.

SHELDON: She rebuked you? (_he looks at Daphne in a stern manner_) Whatever for?

DAVID: Alas. A question I ponder myself all too often. I've observed that while it is a common assumption that experience, and therefore wisdom, accumulates with age, this assumption is not necessarily supported by evidence.

SHELDON: I had the same revelation at age four when asked to say Grace.

_Penny, who like everyone else has been silently observing this exchange, walks over to Daphne._

PENNY: Drink?

DAPHNE: Penny?

PENNY: That's me.

DAPHNE: (_shrewdly_) I see your mole has cleared up. And you've lost ninety pounds. And your left arm has grown back.

_She smiles as she says it and Penny laughs. They shake hands. _

PENNY: Niles is over in my apartment. He's counselling a friend of ours, Rajesh. He's trying to...he's...(_she sighs_) you know what, if I said it out loud, it would break my heart a little bit. Should I go and tell him you and David are here?

DAPHNE: Well if he's working, perhaps not. I'm sure he won't be long. This is sort of a surprise, you see. I thought if he couldn't come to us, we'd go to him. I didn't want him to miss David's birthday. We had all these grand plans in Seattle but I thought, it won't be the same without him. Besides, grand plans aren't really my style anyway. I'd be happy with a family meal at a modest restaurant.

SHELDON: You're in luck. Restaurants don't come much more modest than Penny's place of work.

PENNY: Thank you, Sheldon.

SHELDON: (_to David_) That was sarcasm.

DAVID: Thank you. I have trouble identifying it.

LEONARD: (_aside, to Howard_) Dear God. It's like looking into the past.

DAPHNE: Well, you two seem to be getting on famously. I must apologise to you all for just showing up, though. I hope I didn't interrupt anything.

SHELDON: You _did_ abort my attempt to utterly destroy a thirteen-year-old's linebackers with my mighty Elven warrior.

_Daphne says nothing, but takes a long step forward and drapes her arm protectively over her son's shoulders._

PENNY: Relax.

LEONARD: He's talking about a video game. It's a version of football except it's played with orcs and elves. It's based on a tabletop game.

DAVID: So it's a simulation of a simulation of a sport?

SHELDON: Precisely.

DAVID: Excellent. That's my desired level of separation from actual sport.

DAPHNE: Chip off the old block, this little lad. (_to Penny_) You mentioned drink?


	8. Author's Interlude  Shameless Plug!

Hi all!

Sorry as this isn't a long-delayed (!) new chapter or even an announcement of a sequel.

I've spent the last year or so writing a trilogy of urban fantasy novels and the first one was released on Thursday 10th May. It's called "Folk'd" (pun intended), and it's available on Amazon Kindle and Apple iBooks. If you search for Folk'd or Laurence Donaghy on Amazon or iBooks it should come up (I can't post links through this or will get very angry with me, whimper).

Anyway, the synopsis for Folk'd goes like this:

Meet Danny Morrigan. Callcentre worker. Young father. Danny's not entirely happy with his life. He finds himself tortured by the "what ifs", and by one in particular – what if his casual girlfriend hadn't told him she was pregnant before he finished his university degree? What if, out of some sense of decency and not wanting to be like his own father, he hadn't "done the right thing" and dropped out to support her and the baby?

When Danny comes home from work after a particularly bad day to find his girlfriend and baby son have vanished, Marie Celeste like, into thin air, it begins a series of events that quickly moves beyond a simple missing persons case. Danny begins to uncover the Morrigan family's real purpose in this world, a world of lurking danger and concealed horror, where the line between mythology and reality blur. Before he knows it he's living another life where (seemingly) he has everything he ever wanted…a good job, no responsibilities…but what is the cause of this change? Where have his family gone? Why doesn't anyone remember his old life?

And most importantly, does he want it back?

Folk'd interweaves a very modern tale of unexpected parenthood and responsibility set in contemporary Belfast with ancient Irish mythology and the supernatural. In Folk'd and its sequels, Folk'd Up Beyond All Recognition and Completely Folk'd, we are taken on a humorous, sometimes horrifying, always enthralling journey from modern-day Belfast to prehistory as the full and tragic tale of the Morrigan family is told.

So I just thought you might want to check it out - it's only £2.99 but I promise there are laughs and scares aplenty, plus mention in any reviews you might care to leave and you get a free frogurt!*

*as long as you live in Belfast, Northern Ireland and are within walking distance of a frogurt shop. Terms and conditions apply.

Thanks!


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